Forever Changing Dreams
When I was little I wanted to be an astronaut. I was dead set on it.
I dreamed of seeing the stars glowing as if they were light shining thru miniature holes poked in black construction paper. The Earth looking as it did from all the times I’d seen it on tv. I wanted it so badly. I was also five, but I still would love that opportunity.
My First Dreams
Then I remember when my mom first got sick. The same time my Dad left. I dreamed then of having a family like my friends did. Mom and Dad. Mom able to walk, spending more time at home than in the hospital. That was my next dream.
It’s About What Life Throws
I’m not going to sit here and go dream by dream and what went wrong and where and why, for this is not a therapy session. But I decided one thing about dreams and chasing them long ago. Especially now that I have four children, it isn’t about what we want, it’s about what life throws at us and how we handle it.
Of course most of my life I had the dreams most girls and young women did. But then again I didn’t.
Raised To Survive
I was raised by a crippled single mom, barely getting by never mind getting mounds of gifts at Christmas, huge birthday parties, gorgeous beach vacations.
My dreams were to make it. To get to the point I could get out on my own. To have my mom home when I got home from school, not back in the hospital.
The other dreams were that life would take the pain away. When I lost my boyfriend, or was hugging the toilet after the most recent binge, I dreamed that all of the hurt, depression, abnormalities in life would be gone when I opened my eyes.
I Lost My Right To Dream
I felt I lost the right to chase my dreams. Emotions riddled with baggage and addiction and hurt, not only my hurt but the hurt I’d caused others. I felt my dreams were a joke and was I not only acting selfish by dreaming, having hopes for myself, I was crazy to believe I deserved any of it.
Now that I’m more emotionally and mentally stable, I know I could’ve done and been anything or anyone I wanted. I could’ve chased my dreams with more than a butterfly net full of giant holes, but I
dreamed opposite of how I should’ve. I undid my dreams, I guess. I didn’t dream, I undreamed.
It’s All For My Children
Now my dreams aren’t for myself, but my children. I dream that their dreams come true. I dream that they don’t have to deal with an iota of the hurt, loss, drama, and despair I did. I dream they get to dream. And chase them. And I’ll make sure they don’t stop until each and every one is locked down.
by Tracy Levine